30 Day Challenge: "One Month to Love" Day #5

Copyright@2010 by Kerry and Chris Shook 
(Published by Waterbrook Press 12265 Oracle Blvd, Ste. 200 Colorado, Springs, Co. 80921)

Week 1: The Art of Being All There

Day 5: Staying At the Table (Being All There During Conflict)

Series Scripture: “A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity” Prov. 17:17

Quote: 

“True friends stab you in the front.”- Oscar Wilde

“Avoid viewing conflict as a sign that there must be something wrong with the relationship. Instead, view conflict as an opportunity for growth.” - Will Mosier

A lot of people struggle with being there when tough issues are raised because they just don’t want to deal with uncomfortable emotions. Many of us  have past experiences, sometimes from childhood, in which volatile emotions frustration, anger and disapproval created unsettling  and uncomfortable feelings in us.  The bad news is that overtime you suppress a tough issue in a relationship in order to avoid conflict, you pay for it in the end. Avoidance eventually undermines the integrity of the whole relationship and keeps it on a superficial level. If you want to go to a new depth in relationships, it’s essential to be willing to face difficult issues and stay engaged  until you work through them.

Communicating about tough issues is a lot like playing a game of Ping-Pong. Many times when one person gets up the courage to talk about something that’s really bothering them, the other person decides to ignore the problem and pretend everything’s fine. Wouldn’t it be incredibly frustrating if you were playing Ping-Pong, and every time you served, your opponent let the ball drop off the table and never hit it back? In the same way, nothing is more frustrating in a relationship than bringing up a difficult issue and the other person always letting the ball drop. The goal of communicating through conflict is to stay at the table, volleying back and forth and talking through the issue. 

Another way we sometimes mishandle conflict is by slamming the ball and trying to force a quick conclusion to the argument. By playing  this way, we’re still not really participating in the game; we’re simply using brute force to end the conflict quickly. This is a picture of not effectively being present with the other person and mutually working through a difficult issue. There’s a story of a newly married couple who used a “Ping-Pong” ball to help them talk thru conflict. How? One of them talks while holding the ball and the other listens. When finished, the other takes the ball and then speaks while the other is listening. The rule in the couples relationship, is while they are in conflict, the one holding the ball is allowed to speak while the other has to listen. Maybe you need an object that helps you remember to stay at the table during conflict and really listen. 

Challenge

1. When faced with conflict, do you get more emotional, or do you tend to withdraw? Think about how the people closest to you handle conflict. How do you address conflict with them?

2. James 1:19-21, encourages, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted  in you, which can save you.” Are you quick to listen or become angry? What does human anger produce if not righteousness?

3. From one to ten (with ten being the highest), rate yourself on how well you really listen to the people in your life.