30 Day Challenge: "One Month to Love" Day #5

Copyright@2010 by Kerry and Chris Shook 
(Published by Waterbrook Press 12265 Oracle Blvd, Ste. 200 Colorado, Springs, Co. 80921)

Week 1: The Art of Being All There

Day 5: Staying At the Table (Being All There During Conflict)

Series Scripture: “A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity” Prov. 17:17

Quote: 

“True friends stab you in the front.”- Oscar Wilde

“Avoid viewing conflict as a sign that there must be something wrong with the relationship. Instead, view conflict as an opportunity for growth.” - Will Mosier

A lot of people struggle with being there when tough issues are raised because they just don’t want to deal with uncomfortable emotions. Many of us  have past experiences, sometimes from childhood, in which volatile emotions frustration, anger and disapproval created unsettling  and uncomfortable feelings in us.  The bad news is that overtime you suppress a tough issue in a relationship in order to avoid conflict, you pay for it in the end. Avoidance eventually undermines the integrity of the whole relationship and keeps it on a superficial level. If you want to go to a new depth in relationships, it’s essential to be willing to face difficult issues and stay engaged  until you work through them.

Communicating about tough issues is a lot like playing a game of Ping-Pong. Many times when one person gets up the courage to talk about something that’s really bothering them, the other person decides to ignore the problem and pretend everything’s fine. Wouldn’t it be incredibly frustrating if you were playing Ping-Pong, and every time you served, your opponent let the ball drop off the table and never hit it back? In the same way, nothing is more frustrating in a relationship than bringing up a difficult issue and the other person always letting the ball drop. The goal of communicating through conflict is to stay at the table, volleying back and forth and talking through the issue. 

Another way we sometimes mishandle conflict is by slamming the ball and trying to force a quick conclusion to the argument. By playing  this way, we’re still not really participating in the game; we’re simply using brute force to end the conflict quickly. This is a picture of not effectively being present with the other person and mutually working through a difficult issue. There’s a story of a newly married couple who used a “Ping-Pong” ball to help them talk thru conflict. How? One of them talks while holding the ball and the other listens. When finished, the other takes the ball and then speaks while the other is listening. The rule in the couples relationship, is while they are in conflict, the one holding the ball is allowed to speak while the other has to listen. Maybe you need an object that helps you remember to stay at the table during conflict and really listen. 

Challenge

1. When faced with conflict, do you get more emotional, or do you tend to withdraw? Think about how the people closest to you handle conflict. How do you address conflict with them?

2. James 1:19-21, encourages, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted  in you, which can save you.” Are you quick to listen or become angry? What does human anger produce if not righteousness?

3. From one to ten (with ten being the highest), rate yourself on how well you really listen to the people in your life.

30 Day Challenge: "One Month To Love" Day #4

Copyright@2010 by Kerry and Chris Shook
(Published by Waterbrook Press 12265 Oracle Blvd, Ste. 200 Colorado, Springs, Co. 80921)

Week 1: The Art of Being All There

Day 4: Invisible (Being All There On a Deeper Level

Series Scripture: “A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity” Prov. 17:17

Quote: “The question is not what you look at but what you see.” - Henry David Thoreau

Have you ever felt like you were invisible? Ever been talking to someone and realized they weren’t really listening but were looking past you to see if someone more important was in the room?Sadly, it’s often  the people closest to us that we treat as invisible. We some times look right at them but miss who they really are. We can be with them in person but gloss over their needs and concerns, failing to see what’s underneath. 

**Do you really see the people  closest to you? Do you see their needs , their feelings, their dreams, their fears, their passions? Do you see their heart?**

Unfortunately, it sometimes takes a breakdown- of a car or a life - to refocus us on whats really important. Jesus puts this in perspective in John 4 when he encounters a samaritan woman. The bible tells us that Jews did not associate with Samaritans, but Jesus  focused on hearts, not prejudices. Despite societal customs that surround ed their meeting , Jesus saw her heart. Of course, Jesus is God, and we’re not . We don’t have divine powers to see into people’s hearts. But in Jesus we have a model for relationships. He dismissed the distractions of society to notice and speak to the woman at the well. He perceived that what she claimed on the surface was not what truly rested deep in her heart. An the God of the universe chose to be all there for her.

Maybe you haven’t even taken the time with someone to share your won needs. One of the interesting things about the account of the woman at the well is that Jesus started it all by expressing his need: “I need a drink of water.” When you dare to express your own unseen needs, you tacitly give permission for others to do the same. If you really want to be a good friend or son or daughter, you’ll care enough to look and listen for what someone is wrestling with underneath.

Challenge

1.Spend some time alone thinking about the people you’ve named as your key relationships and reflecting  on times you’’ve been together recently. What was said? What wasn’t said that might suggest a deeper need?

2. Take a second look at someone this week in your neighborhood, or school whom nobody (including you) really notices. How could you make that individual feel noticed and valuable?

30 Day Challenge: "One Month To Love" Day #3

Copyright@2010 by Kerry and Chris Shook
(Published by Waterbrook Press 12265 Oracle Blvd, Ste. 200 Colorado, Springs, Co. 80921)

Week 1: The Art of Being All There

Day 3: Zoning In (Being All There in the Moment)

Series Scripture: “A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity” Prov. 17:17

Quote: “Only through focus can you do world-class things, no matter how capable  you are.” - Bill Gates

It is the dream of every child to be special in the eyes of their loved ones. Children haven't  yet learned to mask this insatiable desire to be loved, and they instinctively know if their parents are really paying attention to them. As kids grow, their pleas to be noticed shift from physically tugging  on our hand or pant leg to verbal requests. And as they continue to grow into teenagers, we might not hear them call, “Watch me”, but the silent cry is still there. It’s not just that they want you to acknowledge them; it’s that they need to know their important to you. 

“Wherever you are, be all there.” That means that when someone I love is talking to me, I work to block out distractions and give them my complete attention so I can really connect with them. Being all there isn’t  always easy, but it’s also not complicated. Here’s a suggestion, first, a conscious effort to clear your mind of outside distractions. The second, is to step into the other person’s world, which simply means to focus on what the other person’ s joy or need or hurt really is.

Multitasking is a smart time-management strategy in lots of situations.  But the very thing that makes multitasking effective  in some situations makes it destructive in relationships. That’s because if I really want to connect with another person on a deep- level, it takes 100 percent of my effort and awareness. To fully connect  on a deep level in any relationship, I’ve  found I have to intentionally choose to be there.  To be all there. 

The art of  being all there  starts with the unselfish act of taking what we ourselves long for  and realizing that others want the same thing from us. The people you love need to know they are important in your eyes. The best way to communicate that is to be present with them and focused on them, to clear your mind of distractions and dare to live fully in their world.

Challenge

1. Practice being all there with God this week by reading Psalms 46. Concentrate on verse 10a. “Be still and know that I am God.” 
2. In John 14:27 Jesus says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” Take some time reading this and accepting this. How does reading this and knowing this change the way you look at your everyday life. Answer this for yourself. 
3. Try an experiment this week with one of your key relationships. When you’re with them (in person), focus on them wholly, block out your own needs and worries , and consciously make them the most important person in your world. Afterward, write down your impressions and transfer them into your journal, of what happened as a result. (Wed.)

30 Day Challenge : "One Month To Love" Day #2

Copyright@2010 by Kerry and Chris Shook

(Published by Waterbrook Press 12265 Oracle Blvd, Ste. 200 Colorado, Springs, Co. 80921)

Week 1: The Art of Being All There

Day 2: Face to Face (Practicing the Art of Being all There)

Series Scripture: “A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity” Prov. 17:17

Quote: “To the world you may be just one person, but tone person you may  be the world”- Brandi Snyder

At one time, something as simple as talking face to face with the people around us was evidence of relationship. But in a time of the world wide web, staying close is a quick as clicking a button. Our modern life  and culture have led us to believe that relationships should come to us. We’re used to calls coming in, message notifications popping up on our iPhone, and e-mails materializing in our inbox. In many ways our relationships seem to arrive at our doorstep, so to speak, and we end up managing the people in our lives through keystrokes and mouse clicks.

Why is physical presence important in relationships? For one thing, just the effort it takes to show up in someone’s life speaks volumes. These actions validates the notion of sacrifice that is needed for relationships. The cost of friendship shown in the act of being there tells a person they are important to you. Most communication takes place nonverbally through facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. 

In Hebrews 13:5 God says to us, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” That verse is a powerful reminder to me of the value my Creator places on his relationship with me. God chooses to be all there for me no matter what I go through in life. God is never too busy. God is never preoccupied  with something more important. He is always present and available.

The point of each day’s reading  this week is to explore the art of being all there. It starts with physical presence - showing up in person to be with someone in their life experiences. The simple part of being all there is deciding to do it. The hard part is the cost of being there in terms  of time, energy and commitment. 

Challenge

Think about the three relationships you named yesterday. Hopefully, you wrote those names down in  your relationship journal . Consider the personal cost to you of being present with each one of them. Are they worth it to you? Are they worth the cost of your time , energy and commitment?

Week 4: Play to Your Strength

2 Timothy 2:6

6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands...





Dana's Thoughts
Paul is encouraging Timothy here by telling him to use the gifts God has given him. When we use the natural gifts and talents that God has given us they get stronger. Don't be afraid to use your abilities to point back to the reality that Jesus has made you who you are.

Week 3: Refocus on the Future

Philippians 3:13
13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead...



Dana's Thoughts:

It is so easy for us to dwell on the past. As Christians it's easy for us to focus on all of the bad we've done and give into the temptation to just give up. Paul is showing us by his example here, that if we focus on the future and the hope that comes from Christ, we can rest in knowing The Holy Spirit will guide us. 

Week 2: Raise Your Expectations

Matthew 19:26

26 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Dana's Thoughts:

Jesus says this to his disciples because of an encounter they all just had. A rich young ruler comes to Jesus and asks Him what it takes to get to heaven. Jesus responds by telling the young man to keep the commandments. At the time the Pharisees were teaching many different commandments to follow which is why the young man responds with "which ones?" After Jesus tells him which ones the young ruler says "I have followed them, why do I still lack?"

In this case  Jesus asks the young ruler to give up all of his money and possessions and follow Him. Sadly, the man could not. which leads us to this verse. Our salvation is not dependent on what we can do but what Christ can do and has done. Maybe you feel like something is lacking in your walk with God, try asking Him what he wants you to do and trust that he will show you. Then hold on to this verse because sometimes what He wants is impossible for us to do without him.